[Muzzy Roberto]

The following story, whether you choose to believe so or not, is based on actual events. A few names have been changed, and a few event exaggerated, but for the most part, 100% real. Beware tie-dyed snakes.


Also: This uh, 'Fan fiction' contains foul language, and rampant drug use. If you have a problem with these elements, then I encourage you read it anyway. And remeber, Muzzy is a professional. Don't go around pissing off 6'8 female body-builders. it WILL get you killed. I should know, I've died 8 times.

Anyway...




Caleb and I sat haphazardly on the couch, gazing mindlessly at the shiny colors, when my favorite 6’8 female bodybuilding alcoholic stomped into the room. In her hand, she held a small cage covered in tarp. There seemed to be movement in the game, but when you’re on hallucinogens, everything seems to be moving.

"Ooh, the cage game." I said.

"No, no cage game." Julie warned. "My whole semester's grade in biology depends on what's in this cage."

"You're taking biology?" Caleb laughed. "I thought you were taking Jack Daniels 101!" Fake smarmy laugher ensued, and soon filled the room. But Julie wasn't havin' it.

"Shut up! Look, just don't touch the cage, ok?"

"Why? What's in it?" Caleb asked.

"Ooh!" I raised my hand, "Is it green? Is it red? Is it alive or is it dead?"

"Can it feel? Does it squirm?" Caleb added.

"If it's flesh, will it burn?" I inquired.

"No. Quiet. Don't touch." And she left. With the cage. We were doomed to forever ponder the grand, luminous mystery that was its contents.

"I say when she goes bar-hopping," I whispered, "We look in the cage." Julie walked back into the room and placed the cage between me and Caleb.

"Well, I'm going bar hopping. See ya!" She grabbed her wallet and headed for the door. Halfway through the door, she turned to us, the lights went dim and her voice seemed to echo with power. "...And don't fuck with my project!" She slammed the door, and the lights went back to normal.

"I say we look under the tarp." Caleb said, completely ignoring Julie's ominous warning.

"Agreed." I whipped the tarp off of the cage, and inside was a large blue hedgehog! He was clenching the bars with.... wait.... What the...? A blue hedgehog? A large one, at that? Ok ok ok... clear your head... Deep breath... Now, re-analyze this....

Blue.

Hedgehog.

Red and white shoes.

And it's pleading with me to open the cage.

"Wow." Caleb said in awe. "We had some good 'shrooms! I TOLD you three caps would do it! I TOLD you!"

"No, dude, this isn't a hallucination," I corrected him. "This is Sonic the Hedgehog." He gave a quizzical look.

"Sonic the HEDGEHOG?" He asked full of doubt, "In our living room?" He had a good point. "No, I think is a ha... hal... uh..."

"Hallucination."

"Yeah, thanks. One of those." He lit up a cigarette. I shook my head, looking at the gagged blue hedgehog.

"No," I stated aloud, "This HAS to be real."

"Check the brochure!" He realized. "That'll settle this!” Ah! Good idea! I reached into my pocket and fished out a brochure. 'HALLUCINATIONS', it read across the top, in crazy rainbow colors. Almost homosexual. I unfolded the brochure and glanced through it. What? WHAT?! What are these... these blobs? These... repulsive blobs of black tar had decided to take residence on my brochure! BASTARDS!!

"Wait. Those are letters." I remembered aloud. Caleb swiped the brochure from my hand in an instant.

"Gimmie that." He skimmed through it slightly. Then he slowed down, and knocked an ash off of his cigarette. "Hmm..." He re-read the section with much confusement. He threw it back to me.

"That thing is wrong and doesn't make sense." He slurred. "It's a hallucination. Final."

"Nah, I got an idea."

"What's that?" I looked at the caged with an amused smile.

"You can't eat a hallucination..." I smiled.


We had just finished out hedgehog feast ("I guess it wasn't a hallucination!" Caleb smiled as he rubbed his full belly.) When a tipsy Julie staggered through the door.

"Hey guys!" She slurred, heavy Amber Ale on her breath. She looked at our empty plates, rich with steak juice, "Ooh! What'cha eatin'?" She asked.

"Hedgehog." I said with a mouth full of hedgehog steak. Wait a minute... Uh-oh...

"Oh yeah?!" She gasped. "Have you seen my Biology subject?" We stopped chewing, and the room grew very, very cold...

"Uh, no..."

"Oh it's bad-assed! It cost me a shitload. I had to get it on eBay." Awwww...... BAD! This was going to HURT!

"Well, enough talk," Julie said as she popped another beer. "I needs me sleep. Good night." My, that was easy. Hmm. Maybe this would work out after all...

-The Next Morning-

"Alright," Julie demanded in a rare feminine huff. "Where's my hedgehog?" Silence. Silence as I think of an excuse...

"You ate him," She interrupted, "Didn't you?!" Damn! Pin-point precision!

"Yes." We hung our heads with shame. Julie kicked a near-by coffee table over.

"Well goddammit!" She swore aloud. Her hands looked like she was REALLY trying hard not to choke the hell out of us. "Look, you two had BETTER find me a biology experiment by Thursday. It's Tuesday. I want it Tuesday NIGHT!" She slammed her manly fist onto the counter so hard it left a dent. "UNDERSTAND?!"

"Yes ma'am!" We both responded, no sarcasm, just fear. "We'll get right on it!"

"Oh-ho..." She chuckled. "You'd better."

"Anything yet?" Caleb asked as we crawled on our hands and knees, looking for SOME kind of animal, so Jules wouldn't rip us to shreds and dissect our brains and lungs. (Which, she said, if she has to do, she'll scrape out the sticky pot resin and smoke it.)

"This is fucked." I said as I brushed dirt and small twigs off of my shirt. "We aren't going to find jack shit out here." Then I saw something multi-colored and FAST zip through some rocks. At first, I dismissed it as the sun playing tricks on a pothead's mind. The second time I saw the quick multi-colored zip, I started to suspect those mushroom caps we had before we came out here. The THIRD time I saw it, I was sure it was for real, and not the mind's eye. I grabbed a small cage and perked up suddenly, my long, knee-grinding task would soon be over.

"Aw dude!" I giggled, also starting to feel the effects of the pot we'd been smoking as I parted the hedge he darted behind last time. As I parted the hedges, imagine my surprise to find a tie-dyed viper! He coiled up and hissed, flaring his hippie tongue in a threatening way. Oh the horror! He lunged, but I was too swift! I moved to grab him by his snakey throat, but the little fucker BIT ME! I pulled back my bong hand, and noticed that a putrid green discharge was now leaking from two fresh puncture marks, courtesy of Mr. Snake.

"Little limbless BITCH!" I shouted. I grabbed the small cage from the ground and slammed it over his head, stunning the little bastard. I grabbed him by the throat (Which was easy, because aren't snakes nothing BUT throat?) and threw his legless ass in the cage. I closed the cage and got off the ground to find Caleb.

Caleb, much like I was minutes ago, was on his hands and knees, looking for some poor forest critter to be the unwilling recipient of a scalpel job.

"Get back here, you fucking squirrel!!" Caleb shouted at the top of his hoarse throat "I'll kill you!!" he picked up a fair-sized rock and threw it at the offending rodent.

"Hey dude!" I said, running over to him, "I found an animal!"

"Was it one of those FUCKING squirrels?" He twitched as he said squirrel.

"Nah. It's a snake!" I held up the cage, holding the unconscious viper, "Whadda think?"

"Oh shit!" Caleb leapt back a considerable distance. "Dude! Get it away from me!"

"What? Oh, don't worry, it's not poisonous." I held up my hand, which was now riddled with snakebites, and it seemed was dripping snake juice. "See? He's been biting me the whole way, and I'm still standing." Just as I finished saying 'still' Caleb started to melt into the floor.

"Dude, it's hard to talk to you when you're melting into the floor like that." Caleb looked to the left, and his head splashed off his shoulders and rolled onto a nearby stump.

"Sweet Christ, I guess you do lose your head if it wasn't attached..." I reached over to the stump to pick up his head, but as soon as I touched it, it popped like a cheap water balloon in a colossal splash of water. I stared long and hard and my wet hands. I had just popped my best friends head! How was I going to explain it to him? I turned to the slow melting Caleb.

"Dude, there's no easy way to say this, but I just burst your head. Sorry." The headless, slow melting Caleb scratched where his head used to be and in a wet, warbling voice announced he was going to take me home.

"No, wait!" I shouted "Maybe, if I can put your head water in a cup, and we can take it home and we can FREEZE it! How does that sound?" A wet tendril whipped out from Caleb's arm and I could feel myself being dragged back to the house.

"No, dude! I can do it! Look! It's all over that stump! Just get me like, a stick and a Ziploc baggie, and I can get your head fixed!" It was about this time I blacked out.

When I awoke, I could see the sneering mug of Julie, staring down at me. Naturally, I freaked, but much to my surprise, she had no desire to rip my arms off and beat me to death with them.

"Are you okay?" She asked. "Do I look all blurry, or on fire?"

"No. You look drunk, though." She turned over to the kitchen. "HE'S OKAY!" She shouted. Caleb walked out of the kitchen, head attached, and totally solid. "Hey guy, how you feeling?" Caleb asked, with legitimate concern. "Everything looking ok?"

"Yeah, I think so. Everything seems to be in order." I turned to Julie. "Did you get your snake?"

"Snake?" Julie looked at Caleb quizzically. "What snake?"

"Muzzy found a snake for your science thingie. I put it in your room." Julie eagerly ran upstairs. It's not everyday someone found a snake in Alaska.

"I've got the worst headache." I moaned.

"I bet. Do you have any idea what you were seeing?"

"No. Was it weird?"

"It must've been. You thought my head burst."

"Cool." Just about then, Julie came down holding an open cage.

"Alright, which one of you idiots put a snake in a cage?" Caleb and I glanced at each other.

"Him!" We pointed at each other.

"... There WAS a snake in this cage, right?"

"Yeah." Caleb nodded. "He was in there when I put him there."

"Great." Julie sighed. "Now we have a snake on the loose."

"I wouldn't stress it." After all, aren't they more afraid of us than we are of them?

I was playing 'Amy Rose's Picnic Party' on the ol 'Dreamcast when Caleb came in, brandishing a long red twisty bong. It didn't take a psychic to tell you what we were going to do next.

"Let's light this bitch up!" Caleb cheered! With a quick flick of a Bic, grass burned and crackled as Caleb turned that red bong bone white. With unusual dexterity, lifted the pull-carb out of its place, and cleared the whole damn pillar of smoke. He held it in him for about 10 seconds, and erupted in a powerful fit of coughing. He crumpled to the floor, his face bright red, and continued to cough for another 30 seconds. He rose, and cleared his throat. Then he lit up a cigarette. He motioned towards the bong with the cigarette. "Your turn." Although we didn't know it at the time, that snake had risen between the two of us, his tongue flaring pure hatred, and ready to give someone a massive dose of snake juice. But like I said, we didn't see him.

"Watch this." I said as I took the bong from Caleb. I lit that grass like no one else, and got that bong hella full of smoke. I pulled the carb, and inhaled deeply. No coughing for me!
But the snake didn't care...
*Hiss Hiss*

"Not bad," Caleb coughed as he reached for the bong. He lit it up...
*HISS HISS!!*
He blew a thick plume of smoke in my face.

"Cool!"
*Honk honk*
Caleb turned to see what had made the irregular honking noise, and the snake sunk his snake jaws into Caleb's arm, shooting its snake venom into Caleb's body. Caleb's bloodshot eyes widened and he screamed like a big hairy girl. He tried to pull the snake off of his hand, but that snake and his jaws locked in there good. He furiously tried to shake the snake off of his hand, but still no avail, all the while screaming.

Julie came in from the kitchen, wondering what the shrieking noise was, and the snake unhinged his jaws, fell to the ground, and JUMPED at Julie. The snake's aim was true, and the snake found itself on Julie's shoulder. Before Julie could react to what she had seen, the snake bit her nose, and bit it good. As soon as she felt the stinging, painful sensation of venom being injected into her bloodstream, she went into a ballistic Julie rage, flailing her amrs about violently, in hope that it would scare the snake off of her nose, but the snake was locked on comfortably, and was probably enjoying the ride. Looking back at it, it was quite amusing. But at the time, it was very, very scary. One of Julie’s limbs might accidentally lash out and smack me in the head. I got up off of the couch, and grabbed the snake around its throat.

“Ok, Julie. I got it!” I said calmly, “You can stop swinging like that.”

“GET THIS SNAKE OFF OF ME!!” She shouted.

“Relax, relax… It’s not going to harm-“ Then the little bastard let go of Julie’s nose and BIT ME! I freaked, and waved my hand violently, trying to get the snake off of me. At this time, Caleb looked at Julie and screamed as loud as he could.

“MONSTER!!” Julie looked behind her, thinking some horrible beast was about to shred her.

“Where?!” She shouted, and as she said that, Caleb smacked her aside the head with a golf club, which is odd, because we had never played golf before.

“DIE MONSTER, DIE!!!” Caleb shouted as he continued to beat Julie with the now disfigured golf club that was slowly starting to warp into a leopard tail… Then it hit me…

Oh, god. They’re hallucinating! I looked at my hand, and the snake was gone. But now I had more problems to deal with. Caleb had gone berserk, thinking Julie was a monster! If she was still alive or conscious, she was going to be pissed! I grabbed Caleb by the waist and pulled him off of Julie. He took one look at me and shrieked, again.

“Muzzy! By, GOD! You’re on fire!!” And began to smother my flames with the back of his hand, or something. Julie got up off of the ground and gently grabbed Caleb’s arm.

“No… no…” She began calmly “What we need to do is go into the kitchen and pay homage to the Swirling Light!”

“Sw… Swirling Light?” Caleb asked softly, as if it was all coming together in some grand cosmic puzzle.

“The Swirling Light will lead us through the stars, and assist us on our spiritual journey…” and she begun to take her clothes off. “Cast off your shells of cloth! All shall be judged naked to the eye by the light!!” My poor stomach couldn’t take the strain of venom and the sight of Julie naked, and I hurled. All over the floor. But my vomit was unusually bright. My god! I had just thrown up a rainbow! An honest to god rainbow! And blood! Honest to god blood!

“Yes!” Julie cheered, “Purge your body of impurities! Rid the sacred temple that is your mortal dwelling of all sin and debris!” She got down on one knee and grabbed my head. “Great light, purge this soul of taint! Let the sin flow from his mouth!!”

“Get your paws off of me!” I coughed, “I’m not possessed! I’m just coughing up rainbows!”

“PURGE THIS SOUL!!” Julie shouted at the top of her lungs. “PURGE!!”

“Let go of me!” More rainbow bile ejected from my mouth.

“HEAL!” Julie shouted, even louder than before.

“Quit your shouting, woman!” Caleb bellowed, a newfound purpose in his voice. “Right now, as we chatter and vomit so merrily, the Argus is out there, taunting us, MOCKING us with his orchid eyes!” He turned towards the window, intensively glaring hatefully at nothing. “I can feel his warm, hateful gaze… watching us now… Plotting to destroy and molest everything that we hold so dear…”

“W… what can we do?” Julie asked, her voice aquiver with fear.

“We must destroy it!”

“This shall be our quest!” I chimed in, “We will find the malevolent Argus and drive cold steel through his icy black heart!”

“To the armory!!” Julie shouted! And we were off!!


We woke up later… In the woods wearing fur loincloths and our faces smeared with blood. My head hurt like a 1000 bitches on a bitch boat. Where were we? How much time had passed? Where did I get this sword? So many questions! I had a feeling that the answers weren’t going to be pleasant. I could hear Caleb moan as he go up. He rubbed his temples and cursed softly.

“Where did I get this sword?” He asked.

“It’s not a good night unless you wake up with a sword,” Julie said from the ground. “It’s the bloody axe that bothers me.” And she held up a nasty looking axe, splattered in blood.

“Well, good night or no, we need to find out where we are.” I said. “We could be anywhere.” And it was true. None of us had any inkling of an idea where we were, or where we’ve been. Who knows where we got these furs? Did we stick it to a furrier, or did we show some poor animal what’s up? All of these mysteries would be answered in good time, I calmly told myself. Right now, I had to devise a way to find out where we were, and how far away from civilization we were.

“Hi Muzzy.” A tiny voice chirped behind me. Not expecting this, I quickly turned around and swung my sword! Thankfully, I stopped the heavy blade before it was able to carve up little Tammy McMillan, the little girl who startled me so.

“Whatcha playing?” she asked.

“I’m not too sure,” I answered, “But if you’ve got any idea…”

“You’ve been throwing sticks at my house for the past 3 days,” She said, “Does that help?” Sure enough, there was a pile of sharpened sticks, lying by some bits of broken glass.

“Well, that certainly answers a lot of questions.” Caleb quipped.

“Mommy wanted to know if you wanted to come inside for a drink.” Tammy offered. I was hesitant, but Julie jumped on it like none other.

I guess now is as good a time as any to fill you in on the McMillans. Rich-ass fucks. I don’t know how they accumulated such a vast wealth, but I really don’t care how they did it. I just know one of them likes to flaunt her wealth in front of my face…

Anyway, there we were, in the McMillan manor, waiting for our drinks after throwing make-shift spears at the house. Many people would take your ass to court over something like that, but looking at our attire, bloodied fur and dried up blood, I can kinda see how one wouldn’t exactly press ‘legal charges’ on a bunch of fur-wearing savages. They’re already throwing spears at your house. What could they do to you?

“So, Tammy tells me you were playing outside for the last three days,” Samantha McMillan, mother of the McMillan clan, told us, in that pompous voice of hers, “I do think it’s the right weather for it, don’t you?”

“If you call throwing sticks at a million dollar building on a head full of snake juice playing, then I guess it was the right type of weather for it, yeah.” Caleb answered as he took his drink from the maid who had just arrived, drinks on a classy silver tray. I always thought Rum and coke looked classier when guzzled out of a goblet. Made of crystal, no less.

“We really want to thank you for not pressing charges,” Julie said as she reached for another Wild Turkey on the rocks. She downed the 101 drink in no time and reached for another. “Very. Very thankful you’re not pressing charges.”

“Well, it’s just the paint on the side. I never liked the color of this house, anyway.” Samantha laughed haughtily. Tammy pulled on the sleeve of her mother expensive silk shirt.

“Mommy, can I show Muzzy my new pet?” She asked.

“Oh, of course you may, sweetie!” Tammy ran up the stairs, giggling and such. “She just found a new pet yesterday. Normally, I don’t let her keep wild animals in the house, but seemed so attached to this one, I couldn’t say no.” Samantha said as her maid poured Julie another round of Wild Turkey. Tammy came back down with a TIE-DYED VIPER!! In a bonnet!

“His name is Mr. Slithers!” She said as the snake crawled around Tammy shoulders, quite content with its plush new surroundings… and probably digging his new bonnet. Caleb looked up from his screwdriver and his eyes widen to the size of dinner plates.

“SNAAAAAAAAAKE!!!!” He shouted! The once content viper looked at his aggressor and hissed loudly, bearing fangs for all to see. It zipped off of Tammy’s shoulders onto Caleb’s neck, littering his flesh with small bite marks.

“Bad Mr. Slithers!” Tammy scolded the aggressive snake, “Bad!” But Mr. Slithers wasn’t listening. He was far too busy shooting crazy snake mojo into Caleb’s bloodstream.

“What’s all the commotion out here?” Ginny McMillan, the eldest McMillan child, huffed. “I’m on the phone!” Ginny came into the room, her hand covering the receiver to her phone, and shrieked when she saw the snake. The snake, seeing new prey to inflict pain upon, jumped off of a whimpering Caleb and onto Ginny’s ankles. Ginny ran out of the room, screaming and yelling ‘Snake! Snake!’

“It’s going up her leg!” Julie said as she pulled a drink from the bottle of Wild Turkey.

“It’s going up her torso!” Caleb said. “It’s on her shoulders!”

“It’s… it’s…” I began. There was a loud gunshot from the other room, followed by a heavy thud.

“It SHOT her!” I said. I turned to Julie and Caleb, who were standing there with as much disbelief as I had.

"This snake is bad news!” I said. “Let’s get the hell out of here!” And we ran. Ran like a certain blue hedgehog I ate earlier on in this block of confusing text that’s long and… slow… and shimmery! Such shimmery text! How do they do it? Why does my hand hurt? I glanced down at my hand and say a tie-dyed viper pumping vemon into me to the tune of ‘Weird Al’ Yankovich’s ‘UHF’.

“SNAKE!” I shouted, and started to slam the limbless git into a wall. I wasn’t really thinking. I had thought that slamming it into a wall would encourage the little bastard to let go of my hand. WR-RONG! Instead, the fucker just kept shooting me up with more venom! A large bear grabbed the snake and threw it across the room.

“BEAR!” I shouted as I took off my shoe and started hitting the bear in the nose as hard as I could. (I would later learn this ‘bear’ was Julie.)


More coming... Maybe... Probably... Nah...

[KennEH!]

Wow! This story has touched me.

[Pyroman]

Wow, nice story! I like it, it's funny. It kinda reminds me of a few weird dreams I've had all rolled into one big head trip. Keep writing with those shimmery letters of yours... wait, shimmery?

[Muzzy Roberto]

Remember, kids. Only take what you can handle, AND ALWAYS KNOW YOUR DEALER.

[Master of AFTER]

An impeccably written, brilliantly imagined whirlwind of action and adventure! Bravo, Muzzy! If nothing else, you get major points for skillfully articulating the hallucinations of a bad trip; quite a feat indeed.

Take notes, everyone. This is how Sonic fanfiction should be written.

[Muzzy Roberto]

It's a new rule for Fanfiction on this board. All fan-fiction must have at LEAST 7 drug references, a 6'8 female bodybuilder and a snake capable of firing a small sidearm. The Ginny McMillan death and the red twisty bong are optional.

[angelfire]

Damn... well, if we're supposed to do THAT in our Sonic fics, can someone just make Amy a 6'8 bodybuilder?

Oh, God, I just imagined that... and it's not pretty.

By the way, funny little story here. A snake who can shoot someone... haha, now THAT's imagination.

This post has been edited by angelfire: 27 April 2007 - 03:05 AM

[AkumaTh]

LOL! Nice story. Dang drugs...

[Chao_Lover2]

Well, you've convinced me! I won't do drugs Great story!