[angelfire]

Authors note*I know all of you are sick of my crappy writing. But I'm no quiter! I hope this ones better than the other two. Chapter 1* "It can't be over just yet." Sonic whispered to himself. He was sitting on Emerald Coast by himself, watching the orange and yellow sun disappear below the horizon. "Shadow may be gone and Eggman might've gotten away, but it's not over." he said again. "Sonic? You okay?" Tails asked from behind him. Sonic jumped at the sound of the young kitsune's voice and turned around. "Yeah, I'm fine. But............." he sighed before he continued. "I just don't want to believe that Shadow is dead." he finished. "Sonic, it's done. Can't you put it in the past?" Tails plopped himself down on the warm sand next to his best friend. "I wish I could." Sonic replied. "Well, dinner's ready whenever you want it, alright?" Tails got up and began walking back to their house. Sonic began to follow him, but took one back glance at the ocean. "I guess I will have to put it all behind me." he whispered and went back home. *Deep in the forest* Shadow lay burned and unmoving on the forest ground. It was hard to tell if he was dead or not. But he wasn't dead. The sky was dark and moonless that night when the Egg Carrier landed in the jungle. The scientist emerged from his large skyship with a hord of robots trailing behind him. "Listen up, all of you worhtless hunks of metal!" Eggman's voice boomed and the robots turned their attention to him. "I don't care what it takes! Just find me one Choas Emerald!" Eggman shouted and his robots scurried away quickly. "Huh. I don't know why I bother................." he said. But he was interupted by Omega, his largest minion. "Object found. Subject: A black hedgehog." Omega said. Eggman's eyes widened with shock. "Omega, lead me to this subject!" he demanded and he followed the robot as they weaved through trees and vines. Then they reached a large clearing and despite the dark night, Eggman saw the outline of a dark figure lying on the ground. Eggman made his way torward him and stared at the unconsciense hedgehog. "Hmm. Telling by his fall, he might suffer from amnesia. I could have fun with this." Eggman said to himself with an evil smile. "Omega, take Shadow to the Egg Carrier. We have work to do." *TO BE CONTINUED***

[EnigmaEchidna]

seriously...make friends with enter key.

BTW don't continue to give somekind of BS that you are 11 years old. When I was your age( and even younger), I was using proper grammer, mechanics, sentence structure, as well as using proper body text when doing my weekly creative writing assignments for Language Arts class aka English. Also I was writing these stories by hand and on a computer. I suggest using MSWord when you feel like writing your stories and then PROOF READ THEM before posting them. There should be no excuse.

Also when you use an eclipse in your writing...for example "Yeah, I'm fine. But............." should only consit of three periods no more or less than that.And what gets alot of people miffed these days when reading fics is people placing the POV of each character .YOU don't need to state that you are going into the POV of a character and is never ever used by writers. That's where descriptions come in. IF J.K. Rowlings doesn't do it neither should you.


P.S. invest into buying Diana Hacker'sbooks.My fav. is this one

This post has been edited by EnigmaEchidna: 06 March 2006 - 03:49 PM

[Master of AFTER]

Enigma's got a good point there. It's great that you're using spaces after punctuation now, but paragraph breaks and some improvement in your story's grammatical structure would really help out a lot.

I know you want feedback on the story itself and not how it's written, but please understand, posting your story as one huge block of text without any line breaks makes it difficult to read. No matter how good your story is, people won't want to read it if it isn't formatted properly.

Also, try to make your chapters a little longer... If someone can breeze through your entire chapter in under two minutes, it won't be very engrossing and people won't be able to get into your story. Try saving up until you have a couple of "chapters" this size written, then post them all at once as one single chapter. As it is now, reading these little fragments is like trying to watch a 30-minute sitcom that's been cut down into 5-minute snippets that you have to watch over a period of several days. It makes the story disjointed and harder to follow than if you present it in larger pieces at a time.

Just some advice you might want to consider.

EnigmaEchidna, on Mar 5 2006, 08:50 PM, said:

Also when you use an eclipse in your writing...

Err, you mean an ellipsis.

[EnigmaEchidna]

did I say that? I must have been really miffed

This post has been edited by EnigmaEchidna: 06 March 2006 - 05:08 AM

[Lord Shmeckie]

And do you have to start a new BS story every day?

[angelfire]

Ya wanna know what, I'm so sick and tired of this BS you guys keep on posting about my writing. If one of you would be so kind to tell me how to delete a topic, that would be great for me. Thanks

[???????]

Only a moderator or administrator can do that.

[Master of AFTER]

KK the Fox, on Mar 6 2006, 08:37 PM, said:

Ya wanna know what, I'm so sick and tired of this BS you guys keep on posting about my writing. If one of you would be so kind to tell me how to delete a topic, that would be great for me. Thanks

If you can't take any form of constrictive criticism then you will never improve as a writer and you may as well give it up now.

Enigma and I both went out of our ways to type up some suggestions that we honestly thought could help you improve in your abilities as a writer. We were trying to help you in the nicest way possible, and you call that BS? Wow, you're welcome.

If you want some place where you can post insipid garbage and have everyone mindlessly adore whatever you spew out regardless of how legible it actually is, may I recommend this digital crap-heap.

[???????]

I read some of the stories there once. They were crap.

[angelfire]

It's not like I don't appreciate the help and all, but I honestly just wanna give it up. I should just go back to writing my old, non-Sonic stories. They may not have spaces. And they may not have perfect spelling, but they're what I do best. *no, EE, I'm not bragging*

[Kvitne]

KK the Fox, on Mar 7 2006, 11:31 PM, said:

It's not like I don't appreciate the help and all, but I honestly just wanna give it up. I should just go back to writing my old, non-Sonic stories. They may not have spaces. And they may not have perfect spelling, but they're what I do best. *no, EE, I'm not bragging*

It's obvious that you're not bragging. Don't take this the wrong way, but that's not really something that you brag about. That's something you should be ashamed of.

[angelfire]

And I'm not supposed to take this the wrong way?

[Kvitne]

The "wrong" way would be you taking it as an insult. The "right" way would be you taking it as an incentive to write your stories better.

[angelfire]

Do you honestly expect me to know what incentive means?

[Sway]

Actually that is a pretty basic word. It's a motivating benefit/reward to encourage someone to behave a certain way or perform a certain task.

[angelfire]

Oh... Well, it is one more word that I know. So that's pretty cool, I guess. But anyway, I think most of you would drop dead if I attempted just one more story using the advice you guys have given me, so I won't even give it another thought!... Crap, I just thought about it.

[Master of AFTER]

"Drop dead"? I've read far worse stuff than you could ever hope to conjure up.

[???????]

Did the thing you read include 1337 speak?

[Master of AFTER]

If reading your typical 1337 speak story is like getting pelted in the face with a snowball, then I've been buried alive under a massive avalanche more times than I can count.

[Lord Shmeckie]

Many of these avalanches can be seen on his site.