[Nine]

As you probably saw at one point or another, I had a poem I wrote myself in my free time. Well, I'd appreciate it if you guys and gals would critique it for me. Just so I know if I got anything near what it takes to write.

True to the Inside

Peace is realised when the dove flies
Peace is to harmony
Harmony a sign of purity,
Can there be purity in a world such as this?
Fairness and equality should be taken granted.
We all deserve it, everyone knows
Where it shows, may it be near or far
Wherever man goes...
Luminous objects tickle the eye
True quality to be hidden without a trace
What we really focus on is fads, trends, and in all of this confusion
Deep down we really so not want it, but follow the crowd as one
Individuality is no more.

Hey, at least I tried.

This post has been edited by Grand Larceny: 29 December 2005 - 06:09 AM

[Venom]

I like how when I read it, I feel like I'm seeing the picture you're trying to paint.
It's well done.

Favourite line:

Luminous objects tickle the eye
True quality to be hidden without a trace

I like how when I read that, it reminds me of sometimes what I think about the world now.

Again, nicely done.
I write poetry myself, and like seeing people write stuff similar to my own.

[Sonadow]

I like this line.

Quote

Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas
I need to get myself away from this place
I said yep what a concept
I could use a little fuel myself
And we could all use a little change
Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming
Back to the rule and I hit the ground running
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do so much to see
So what's wrong with taking the back streets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow

Amazing well done.

[Nine]

So, probably as I'm thinking, your comments are in regard to nothing dealing with what I wrote.

[Venom]

Sonadow... You're a moron.

Comment on something that has to do with the topic.

[Sonadow]

Shuddup your face.

[Nine]

Any other comments? This forum is usually full of 'em.

[Lord Shmeckie]

Sonadow, on Dec 7 2005, 02:33 AM, said:

Shuddup your face.

Masterful wit!

[Sway]

I really find poetry to be lame, so I'm not going to say I love this or anything, but it could be read at a cafe with people dressed in all black with berets and round sunglasses and not miss a beat. Good work.

[Sonadow]

Lord Shmeckie, on Dec 8 2005, 09:31 AM, said:

Masterful wit!

And the peculiar thing is this my friend, that song we sang on the fateful night. It didn't actually sound anything like this song!

[Nine]

Sway, on Dec 8 2005, 05:26 AM, said:

I really find poetry to be lame, so I'm not going to say I love this or anything, but it could be read at a cafe with people dressed in all black with berets and round sunglasses and not miss a beat.  Good work.

Coming from that, it means a lot. Thanks, man.

[Nine]

Round 2!

The Blue and The Forgotten

Oh, sparkling waters reflected on the crystal blue sea,
How ironic that this naturality shines through pollution, smoke, and debres.
When waste fills and oil spills
You cease to fail me.
Oh, how beautiful!
How nice!
'Ole deep blue is a solid sheet of ice!
Then in time, as life goes on,
The water flows again,
Flowing 'til it's gone.
When life catches you
It seems as if natural beauty is over-looked
But as long as the sun shines brightly over-head,
This aquatic purity shall never be dead.
Once it really is time,
You can safely say,
That one that fateful day,
You watched those sparkles, shinin' reflections, slowly fade away.

[Master of AFTER]

Not bad man. The nice/ice rhyme made me cringe just because it's so overdone... But beyond that, this wasn't too bad at all.

[Bahamas]

Nine's dead?!

[Nine]

Master of AFTER, on Dec 29 2005, 02:57 AM, said:

Not bad man.  The nice/ice rhyme made me cringe just because it's so overdone...  But beyond that, this wasn't too bad at all.

Oh well. I wrote from the top of my head. I was too tired to edit. Thanks.

[Sonadow]

Good work keep it up.

[SonicTheSamurai]

Awwwwwww Sonadow like every line of your first poem. He even said "keep up the goodwork". Nine I think you should be thankful of those responses. All Sonadow was doing is being kind and friendly. He's basically your number one fan and that says alot!

[Nine]

SonicTheSamurai, on Jan 3 2006, 10:42 PM, said:

He's basically your number one fan and that says alot!

How is that?

[Sonadow]

I guess some people just don't appreciate courtesy huh Mr Samurai.

Roar.

[Nine]

Sonadow, on Jan 4 2006, 12:16 AM, said:

I guess some people just don't appreciate courtesy huh Mr Samurai.

Roar.

Huh? Oh, sorry. Thanks for your comment.