[lightsonic11]

Chapter 1: the begging for the end.

One sunny day for and tails, it was sonic's birthday to.

Tails "sonic, I went to show you my new invention at my shop"

Sonic "ok Tails, what is it?"

Tails "its my new..."

A big blast hit tails, it was Dr. Eggman with his new robot

Sonic "Eggman, what do you went!"

Eggman "I just went to say Happy birthday to you, and heres a gift for you!"

Dr. Eggman send his new robot at sonic, but it was no match for Sonic, Before...

Sonic "OW!!! my head!!!"

Tails "Sonic, Eggman is getting away...with your hair?"

Eggman "Bye bye Sonic, today will be your last day WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Eggman got away, but what did he mean your last day?

Sonic "what a air head"

At Eggmans base, we find him walking down his meched out hallway

Eggman "when will he be done E104"

E104 "Hes done sir, but..."

Eggman grabbed E104 And swore at him and yelling, but then E104 told him that he is gone, then Eggman smashed E104.

Eggman "WHAT!!! My new clone is gone how can this..."

Eggman stopped talking and fell, he looked up at this dark monster looking down at
him

??? "nice place you got here fatty, mined if I take it"

Eggman "Noooooooooo, this... is my... place!!!"

the thing grabbed him and said

??? "Not anymore..."

He slashed eggman in the back, Eggman ran for his life. He stop to call for help...
then He broke though the wall next to Eggman

??? "its over fatty, its over..."

He LOLA to him self in tell...

??? "whats this..."

He found a paper with a picture of sonic on its.

??? "who is this, he looks like me, can he be my counter part."

He was mad at Eggman for what he did, he keeped kicking his body on and on and on...

??? "I must kill sonic, there can only be ONE, but I may need help"

He looked at the after pictures with with knuckles and tails...

??? "WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, this will be my best day ever!!!"

End of chapter 1

Attached File(s)

•  1.PNG (25.09K)
  Number of downloads: 1

[Salty Dawn]

Um, okay.
You need to go through and add things like correct spelling and capitalization. Your grammar could stand some improvement, and I see a startling lack of adjectives.
Also, I think you need to remind yourself that this is a story you're writing, not a script. Or is it a script? (O.O) If that's the case, revising it to make it a story would be a good plan. I don't think they take scripts here.
Finally, your story is... kind of shallow. Things happen really fast, without much detail or explanation. You obviously have a big idea in your head, but it doesn't seem coming out in a way other people can understand properly.

[lightsonic11]

I put there names next to what there saying because, you may not know whos talking, and im new at this stuff ok. Cut me some slack!

[Salty Dawn]

Well, sorry. (-_-")
Oh, and even if you're new at writing, I still think you could put "he said she said" instead of their names. Just a thought, no need to freak out. I wasn't attacking you, and if it seemed that way, then I apologize.

[UK Joe]

Light Sonic how old are you? Its all messed up...

[lightsonic11]

i'm 16, i'm still new at this, sorry I freaked.

[leafy-the-hedgehog]

Get some practice before you write. No one wants to read something half done. Another problem is that it's too much like a sonic fiction from a game meaning it is shallow and kinda obvious.

This post has been edited by leafy-the-hedgehog: 22 August 2008 - 10:38 AM

[frostspine the hedgehog]

leafy-the-hedgehog, on Aug 22 2008, 04:38 AM, said:

Get some practice before you write. No one wants to read something half done. Another problem is that it's too much like a sonic fiction from a game meaning it is shallow and kinda obvious.

Hey cut him some slack guys GEEZZZ....
and light, It's pretty good for a starter, not that I am better than you at this.
btw is he the one called max?